For now, there is silence.

This work was completed between 2019 and 2023. Initially, a poem was written that describes the inner excitement when you have something of value hidden from everyone, and only a few hours ago I was able to reflect this visually. Now the story of this photo itself. The history of photography began in my earliest, only conscious childhood, when on one sunny day, in my room, all alone, I was rummaging through a bookcase, hoping to find something special for myself. And I found it in the end, it took 29 years to come to the end of this work. In that room I found myself, but I did not find myself then, I found myself there now. How did it come about? With great difficulty and great emotional pain. The fact is that I have a narcissistic injury that I have overcome and frequent anxiety-depressive episodes that are still with me at times. Because of what, I felt almost nothing inside me, except for a huge hole into which absolutely everything fell through without a trace, including my life. Recently, due to the fact that my life unfolded in a completely unexpected direction and the past paradigm of my existence showed its absolute inefficiency, and also due to the fact that a woman appeared in my life (where without a woman?), Which very quickly disappeared , I experienced the absolute destruction of myself, I had to rebuild myself, because there was almost nothing real in my personality, all the inner space was occupied only by a false grandiose I. What does the memory of how I, as a child, sorted through books in a sunny room, have to do with it? I will say. It is a memory that has helped me to recover my sense of self, to make a connection between past and present, and thus find my real suppressed self. I, starting from that moment in the past, have built a connection between that child and who I am now. How does this memory relate to this photo? Now, I am in a sunlit room, as then in my childhood, completely alone, I have nothing but self-awareness, and I look at what is left. I am whole again and the world is in front of me, but I have absolutely no idea what to do with it now. I lost myself and found myself. Why is this a portrait? Because I have sunbeams on concrete inside - this is my main image and the basis of my personality. Bottom line: I am a narcissist who has overcome his narcissism (this is a very long and difficult story), but not knowing what to do now with what I have in my hands, I only know that it will be difficult. Sad and happy at the same time. And here is the poem itself. Incredible progress in masturbation! Today I have millions of smiles And I don't care about reality or aberrations. But somewhere behind the fear of the operation, Then the fall of the empire, smiles, applause And mountains of meat! Under the bright sun, do not give a damn about all sorts of instances! Rooks are flying, shouting, the nation rejoices, March of millions of inhabitants of rotting space! And tomorrow climb up again. So far there is silence And the proclamations smell of fresh paint...